Confirmation Hearings Jam Senate

Here’s my September column for the paper. Now that I can post from Word I can put a whole bunch of stuff up. And this is just the beginning. Ha ha ha.

“Will you obey the law, and not make it?” Senator Orrin Hatch leans to the microphone and asks, his face red with religious zeal.

Across the senate chamber, in a banana chair provided for the hearings, sits the president’s appointee for head of the new Office of Homeland Justice.

Homeland Justice? What’s that you ask? It’s the new cabinet making department. President Bush felt it intergral [sic] to the protection of our nation’s nucular [sic] peanut butter supplies to create a new department designed to do nothing but criticize carpenters.

Personally I say leave the woman alone, she’s anemic (That’s anorexic Mr. President) after all, she wouldn’t even eat the nucular [sic] peanut butter if you gave it to her. That is, of course, if the Office of Homeland Justice approves the joint work on that cupboard.

Why, some have asked, is President Bush reallocating such valuable assets as the FBI, the CIA, and the CSI to comb over every piece of hair on Dick Cheney’s balding scalp? The answer is simple: Jenna and Barbara found the liquor cabinet. Not only that, but the last carpenter Bush hired to hide the unprotected spirits from his charmingly inebriated daughters got distracted by the glare off the vice president’s pate, misfired his nail gun, and killed two secret service agents. As a result the country’s terror alert level skyrocketed to puce.

Advisors to the president maintain that the new Office of Homeland Justice is a response to liberal judges who have legalized everything from gay marriage to women’s suffrage to sliced bread.

The latter is of utmost concern, according to Condoleeza Rice, Secretary of State. She said, “Unless this nation interdicts the influx of sliced bread, we may face a nucular [sic] disaster of unprecedented proportions.”

Of course, as everyone knows, nucular [sic] peanut butter is only dangerous when mixed with sliced bread and a dangerous chemical commonly referred to as “jelly.”

The CIA found evidence of several attempts to ship the illegal “jelly” compound into the United States. These attempts, Rice said, are perpetrated by our comely neighbors to the North. She finished her statement by re-emphasizing the danger of sliced bread and asked that anyone seeing said bread contact their local carpenter.

Many voices across the kitchen proclaim this is a Republican ploy to further grow the corrosive mold that is our government. They are not alone. Protests, too, have erupted across the nation. In San Francisco picketers marched with signs that read: “Sliced Bread is a Hoax,” “What’s the Next Best Thing?” and “Keep the Government out of the Kitchen.”